If I'm Not Speeding, Then I'm Not Maximizing Shareholder Value

If I’m Not Speeding, Then I’m Not Maximizing Shareholder Value Warning: This Vehicle Operates on Capitalism and Caffeine You ever slam the gas pedal just to shave 32 seconds off your commute? That’s not reckless driving—that’s a strategic acceleration in the name of pure, uncut shareholder value. If your foot is heavy and your loyalty is to the boardroom, this 8.5" x 2.5" weatherproof bumper sticker (or magnet, if you're noncommittal like your Series A funding round) is for you. Loud, fast, and professionally printed, this decal is your personal mission statement in vinyl. You're not speeding. You're optimizing. 🏎️ This Is What Late-Stage Capitalism Looks Like (and It’s Beautiful) Some folks slap peace signs on their Prius. You slap shareholder value on your bumper and peel out of the parking lot like it’s Q4 and you’re behind on KPIs. This bumper sticker isn’t just funny—it’s deadly accurate. It’s for the corporate animals, the remote workers on Adderall, the NFT bros who still drive