The Valendick

It’s crept upon us at last, our favorite anniversary when lovers from across the world awkwardly fumble through shopping malls and Walmarts, driven by the desperate hope that they won’t have to fend off their sad and ugly world alone. We, here at Shipadick, have known love in all its forms (missionary, doggy-style, triple-sow cow, reverse cowgirl, and Rasputin’s wheelbarrow), so lean on us for guidance as you seek to expresseth the wanton ways of thy cowardly heart. 1. Roses are dead Don’t send flowers. They are pretty, and then they die. That kind of allegory will discourage even the sluttiest of Valentines. 2. Dinner please… Do you really want to be one of those obnoxious peasant couples who dines out of their league for one silly day of the year? Don’t become what you hate just for a chance at some toothy, drunken fellatio. 3. Don’t play the chocolottery You’ve spent the last year passive-aggressively suggesting your partner shed that extra weight, and you want to beg forgiveness wi